22 Reasons Why I’m Still Married

Last week was my 22nd wedding anniversary. Twenty-two years ago I married a 22-year-old man-child, a term I jokingly use because I “robbed the cradle”: Mike was (and still is) four months younger than me. Our combined ages then (22 + 23) equal my age today (45). Multiply that number by two (90), and you’ll have the humidity index the day we tied the knot. At 23, we sealed our commitment with a kiss in the church while, outside, lines of refracted heat and light waved up and around our idling limousine, its air conditioner blasting and the driver ready to take us to our reception. Back then, I was focused on the immediate details of the wedding and far less so on those of the future.

Reflecting on these past 22 years, I recognize that everyone rides different waves at different times. Our courses in life are complicated and unique, and – unlike those simple calculations above – there’s no secret formula for a long or successful marriage. All I can offer are 22 lessons I’ve learned along the way:

1. Take care of yourself. You heard me. You and your physical and emotional health are the most important contribution you can make to your relationship. When you’re not right, it won’t be right. Talk about and take the time you need to be happiest.

2. But remember, it’s not all about you. Marriage is certainly give-and-take, and the greatest challenge is finding that balance. As important as you are to the relationship, your partner’s needs count as much as yours; the days of perfect balance are few and far between.

3. Live somewhere you love. My home is Evanston, Illinois. Neither my husband nor I grew up here, but after 16 years and three kids, it is our home. It’s where we’ve built friendships and held block parties. Where Emergency Department personnel recognize us and our accident-prone kids. It’s where the ever-changing colors of the Lake Michigan waves thrill me every time I see them, and where I’ve knocked on the door at Bennison’s bakery (after hours) only to receive a flaky, piping-hot croissant on my way home after dinner with a friend. Our town is far from perfect and we’ve had more than our share of violence in recent months, but my love for our hometown only inspires me to be part of a solution.

4. Cultivate a passion. My husband loves sailing and I love to write. While I enjoy sailing, I’m not the intuitive sailor he is. Early in our marriage, we’d escape our crazy Chicago desk jobs on summer weekends and sail small boats near my husband’s grandparents’ home. When we’d get back to the city, tanned and tired, he was ready to face another work week but I was deeply depressed; I’d avoided my day-to-day life for another weekend but I hadn’t escaped into my own passion. Now that I call myself a writer, I give myself permission to say to my family, “I need (X amount of time) to go and write.” I used to think it was selfish to go off and do my own thing; I see it now as one of the healthiest things a partner can do.

5. Sleep. It will make or break a marriage. If you’re having trouble sleeping, do something about it. A good night’s sleep changes everything.

6. Celebrate. I’ll never forget the time I got a promotion at my advertising job. All I wanted to do was get home and hug my husband, but when I arrived, I found him waiting with grocery store shrimp cocktail and a bottle of champagne. It was completely unexpected and it touches my heart to this day. Celebrations aren’t only for successes, either. We’ve celebrated getting through exceptionally hard weeks by holding family movie bonanzas in the basement…and celebrated a friend’s job loss at a local rib joint, toasting to his opportunity to reinvent himself. A celebration’s just one of many ways to create lasting memories.

7. Flirt. I’m talking about flirting with each other. It can be a look. A touch. A silly note. A text. An email. Flirts can be few and far between and are just as effective as the frequent ones. Trust me on that one.

8. Get away from it all. Just get away every now and then. It doesn't matter where and it doesn't matter for how long. Together or apart. It can be a drive. A vacation. Dinner around the corner. Change the scenery and talk about your journey. Nothing gives you better perspective than stepping away from it all, even briefly.

9. Stand down sometimes. When a partner asks to walk away from a discussion/argument, do it. Sometimes we need to retreat to figure things out. When one of you says, “I can’t talk about this right now,” give it a rest (no matter how tempted you are to discuss things RIGHT THIS MINUTE). If it’s as important in two hours/tomorrow/next month as it feels to one of you RIGHT THIS MINUTE, you’re likely to talk more productively when no one’s pushing, but...

10. Know when to push. Honest discussions are part of lasting relationships, and sometimes, honesty’s messy. Have those conversations you've been avoiding. They'll happen at some point or another, so for me, it's better to have them before they come out in a tumble under unrelated circumstances.

11. Work. Marriage isn’t for the lazy. There’s plenty of time for snoozing on vacations (see #8). But you’ve got to dig in and show your colors. Step it up when the other person’s feeling low. If it feels like you’re on autopilot, you’re already there. Marriage takes vigilance. It takes noticing when someone’s sleeping a lot. Drinking a lot. Tired a lot. Crying a lot. Working a lot. If it’s the other person doing those things, do what you can to show that you’re there. And if it’s you doing those things, see #16.

12. Understand reactions to stress. I’m a big crier, but I used to fight my tears. They make me look weak, I thought. I’ve learned not to work against them, though. They’re necessary for me. They’re cleansing and cathartic. Tears are the physiologic response to sadness, to joy, to confusion, to anger. In other words, they’re natural. But that’s not everyone. Many of us aren’t criers…and a dry face doesn’t always equate to a hard heart. Knowing how you and your partner respond to stressful situations is critical and helps to not take things personally.

13. Share your dreams. Every now and then, look ahead to what you want out of life, and let your partner know what you’re thinking. You don’t need a spreadsheet or a fleshed out plan – just a sentence or two over coffee. You’re an individual and your dreams will change, so open your heart and share those dreams. It strengthens a marriage like few other things do. And, when those dreams are scary, it’s even more important to open up.

14. Say “Thank you”. I’d chalk up some of our biggest challenges to the division of labor, especially once our kids came along. The outward demonstration of appreciation can take many forms, but my all-time favorite is a straightforward acknowledgement of effort accompanied by a genuine “thank you”. Gratitude gives me chills (the good kind).

15. Be real. Who are you at your core? Who is your partner at his or her core? You’ll both change as time and life continue, but deep inside, you’re both still there. You’ll waste your energy trying to be someone you’re not, especially if you’re trying to live up to someone else’s perceived expectations. You can only be you: understand your strengths; address your hurdles. Genuine=sexy.

16. Ask for help. Acknowledge when something’s not right. Talk to your partner. If that doesn’t work, reach out to a trusted friend or family member or therapist. Take medication if it could help – and if it doesn’t, you can always stop. Don’t overthink it. Life’s hard when it’s hard, but it won’t always feel this way if you ask for a hand.

17. Stop comparing. It’s easy to look at other couples and long for what they have you and don’t. They’re more demonstrative. They’re so fun. She adores him. He always opens the door for her. They’re better parents. Better lovers. So much happier than us. Good God. Just stop. I assure you, there’s something you and your partner have that others don’t, so it all works out in the end. Spend more time focused on what you two do right rather than wishing for “their” life.

18. Tolerate. When you spend enough time together, you’ve got to put up with certain idiosyncrasies. Someone with persistent snoring issues doesn’t choose to have low cartilaginous airway support, right? Some people are just naturally aggressive when crunching chips/nuts/cereal/crackers/cough drops/ice, etc. You just can’t control everything. You’ve just got to put up with it. I love the story a friend told me recently. She and her (now) husband had just moved in together, and she, being the wonderfully particular person she is, began many of her sentences with the phrase, “Just for future reference…” She’d say, “For future reference, I’m not a big fan of putting the milk in the door of the fridge…” or “For future reference, I load the dishwasher this way…”  She said “for future reference” so often that she shortened it to “FFR”. One day, after hearing FFR one-too-many times, her partner blasted, “Just FFR, I hate when you say For Future Reference.”

19. Keep doors open. At the beginning, you two are everything to each other, and there’s nothing wrong with that. But, don’t forget to keep the door open to other healthy relationships in your life, especially when the issues in #18 start chipping away at your patience. Go out with friends. Invite your families over. Put yourselves out there so you have more to talk about than just yourselves. You’ll both benefit.

20. Introduce challenges. Nothing kills the spirit more than boredom, so when it feels like you’re on autopilot, think of something off-the-wall to do. Something outside your comfort zone. I not talking about using two cans of spray paint to graffiti your wedding date on the side of the local 7-11 at 2am, here. There are things you can do – individually and as a couple – to keep momentum going and doldrums at bay. Start small. Make an outrageous recipe for dinner. Ride your bike to work instead of driving. Take up a new hobby. Say yes to opportunities you’ve turned down in the past.

21. Say “I’m sorry.” And don’t just say, “I apologize,” or “I didn’t realize I’d offended you,” or “If I hurt you, I didn’t mean to.” Just say, “I’m sorry.” Trust me.

22. Just be. Don’t worry if you’re the only couple in the restaurant not engrossed in fascinating conversation. It happens to all of us. Take a deep breath and reassure yourself you’re not a sad couple in a loveless marriage just because you’re quiet. And, if that aggressive crunching issue from #18 presents itself, just pull out the earplugs and consider applying #9...or else, switch out the breadsticks for the freshly baked bread.