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10-Year Old Girl on Crime Spree at Evanston Dog Beach

Help me stop wantonness and mayhem at the Evanston .

A 10-year-old Evanston girl committed a public crime today. It happened at approximately 5:33 p.m. on Saturday at the Evanston Dog Beach. She was a nice looking little girl, dressed in blue jeans and a red t-shirt. She looked puzzled when I stopped her at the exit gate and told her: “You are in trouble. You just committed a crime.”

“Oh, yeah”, said her father, a rugged looking guy with beard and mustache. “What did she do?”

“She violated Evanston Dog Beach Rule No. 23,” I said, pointing to the sign behind me. I read him the rule:

“Children will be expected to behave in anappropriate manner while on the dog beach. This includes no running, no chasing dogs, no petting other dogs unless permission is granted by that dog’s owner and no swimming.” (See http://tinyurl.com/d8bksh4)

“I saw her do it,” I continued. “She was running with your Rhodesian Ridgeback. Citizen’s arrest, I will have to take her into custody. I am sorry, but rules must be enforced.”“Oh yeah,” the father said. “That’s happening”. And these scofflaws walked out of the  beach before I could slap my cuffs on this criminal little menace to society.

Thank goodness we have attorneys representing the city who know nothing about dogs and nothing about children. Otherwise, we might just have an impossibly arbitrary and capricious simple rule: “Be safe. Keep the clean. Have fun.” OMG. What an anarchy filled nightmare that would be. Instead, we are protected from canine ruination by such immutable principles as:

Sunbathing is prohibited; no chairs, towels

or blankets are allowed on the . (Rule 26)

Obviously, whoever makes up these rules has visited the Chicago Dog Beach at Wilson Avenue. They’ve seen the awfulness of people swimming with their dogs, children running every which way, blankets and camp chairs strewn all over with occupants seemingly unaware of the dangers posed by this carelessness. Why, this beach even has benches and refuse cans on the and no one checking for passes! Can you believe it? It is a time bomb waiting to happen!

And so, during this hiatus before the next official dog beach season, I propose the city consider imposing the following additional rules that will enhance our saftey and enjoyment.

New Additional Rules

All collars and leashes must match. (Proposed Rule 29)

Neither people nor dogs may bark. (Proposed Rule 30)

Dogs with common names like Rover or Fido are not allowed. (Contact the City Clerk for a Name Change Application). (Proposed Rule 31)

All dogs and people (including children) are subject to inspection to make sure they are not removing an inappropriate amount of sand on their paws or sandals. The sand is the property of the City of Evanston. (Proposed Rule 32).

No owner may spend more than two hours on the dog beach per day. (Proposed Rule 33).

Thirty-three rules is not enough! There are so many opportunities to impose more laws, rules and regulations on Evanstonians. Help me make it 40, 50...how about enough to fill another six foot high sign? Put your proposed rules in a comment to this blog and keep the Evanston Dog Beach safe from little terrorists like that girl that evaded my arrest!

Satirically, Eric Lieberman



This post is contributed by a community member. The views expressed in this blog are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of Patch Media Corporation. Everyone is welcome to submit a post to Patch. If you'd like to post a blog, go here to get started.

Eric Lieberman September 23, 2012 at 03:48 PM
My mom's dog, Sierra, wanted to post a suggestion for a new Rule, but Sierra wasn't able to figure out how to do it. So, she had my mom email me the following: Dear Satirically: I tried to comment on your terrific piece in Patch, but they rejected it because I used my name instead of Esther's, even though I had the right password. What sticklers! I tried to tell them they must add another rule…no people with "Pretty Kitty" tee shirts. They upset me. Love, Sierra
Jim September 24, 2012 at 08:10 AM
Rule # 605: No rule-making idiot attorneys or Evanston bureaucrats allowed on the beach.
John Brinkmann September 25, 2012 at 08:20 AM
one of my personal favorites---dogs are not allowed to dig holes


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