Divorce and Rebirth Possible After Fifty

Picture, if you will, a woman who has just come out of a time capsule and finds a world so fast-paced, so sexually permissive, so "me" centered that she feels dizzy yet determined to become part of the mania.

At age 52, I knew my marriage was over.  After 31 years, 20 of which were war-torn, I took over the controls and set out on my own personal journey.  Free at last after years of appeasing voices from the past telling me to stay, I tiptoed away from my marriage in a euphoric state.  When the dream state lifted, however, and the realization hit that the role of wife and mother no longer defined me, I knew for certain that the choice of roads would be solely mine to make.

As a newly emancipated woman ready to suck the marrow out of life, I had no idea how much the stigma of divorce still permeates our society.  Couple this with the fear of being 50 and partnerless, and it becomes apparent why so many people stay in defunct marriages.  Sure we have single's trips, single's bars, ads for singles, single's clubs -- but without a mate we are singled out, stigmatized, never quite accepted as complete.

I remember the first time I pushed myself to go out for dinner alone, not to a coffee shop but a popular Szechuan restaurant.  My greatest fear was that couples I knew would walk in and see me sitting alone.  By the end of that first year on my own, I knew each of the wait staff by first names and didn't even notice who was sitting next to me.

I also attended concerts and lectures by myself and eventually began to travel alone.  It was as if the doctor had written a prescription for overcoming "aloneness" and one dose did not cut it. 

What I learned from all this is that being alone is not the same as being lonely.  Being lonely is living in the same house and sleeping in the same bed with a mate who, over time, metamorphoses into a stranger.

Now that I had a more secure footing, I felt a strong pull to meet other women experiencing the same growing pains.  In Evanston, I joined a weekly workshop for women going through divorce.  Surprisingly, the focus was not on our ex-mates but rather our determination to move on.  Two of these women remain close friends.

That same year, I volunteered  at a domestic violence shelter where I met Cynthia, a licensed counselor.  Watching these brave women become empowered and then talking to Cynthia about my own guilt, fears and childhood angst, I was able to take the final step toward becoming whole again.

It took two more years before I finally felt ready to seek male company.  At first, my friend Susan and I would sit at "respectable" bars and talk to people, mostly men.  It was like taking a class -- Intro to Men 101.  We had no intention of doing anything but talking.

The plan I finally resorted to is what many women and men fear the most -- the single's ads.  I decided to make this fun by flavoring my ad as follows:  Attractive, free-spirited woman in her 50s seeks like-minded male companion.  A cross between Meredith Baxter; Whoopi Goldberg, Madeleine Albright and Goldie Hawn, this trim, 5'2" Jewish maiden loves hiking, books and biking.  If your idea of a perfect day is a walk in the woods, a leprechaun to guide you, a crackling fire and music by Mozart and Clapton, please write:  #1947.

I can honestly say, without exception, that none of the men I met posed any threat to my well-being.  Exceedingly careful, I always  met them at safe places before I considered an actual date.  Even then, my antennas were always up.

When I started out on this journey, I truly believed that starting over would rekindle the freshness and spontaneity synonymous with youth.  Instead I discovered that the freedom I thought would be mine without a hitch was fantasy based.  I also discovered that by moving on --- taking risks and choosing the "path less traveled," a path steep with unexpected curves but amazing vistas, I was able to come full circle and re-establish my own identity.

What I learned from all this is how fragile we humans are and how little it takes to throw us off course.  In essence, it is love and respect and trust that we all yearn for and deserve.  Nothing else is acceptable.